T’was the year (My absence from WordPress)

I have written part of my story, part of one that happened to me this year so you can understand why I have been absent from WordPress.  There are 6 entries and they are interspersed with images of Christmas.

 

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I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas and to others that don’t celebrate, then I wish you peace and   <3.  I am writing this missive so you can understand hopefully why I have been absent from WordPress.  It has been an unpleasant year that I am still trying to recuperate from.  First of all my partner passed away in March of this year which was an enormous loss to me and which started a chain reaction event of 9 more deaths involving my friends and two other friends that have been diagnosed with terminal cancer.  I also lost two of my cats that I had to be put to sleep and the other two up for adoption as I would not be able to pay for vet bills should they have occurred.  This was also heart wrenching as was giving up my house.  I don’t want you to feel sorry for me or have pity as sometimes life gives you a curve.  I believe from all of this there will be a spiritual growing period.  I have life better than some at the moment so I am counting my blessings with my situation and circumstances that I find myself in.  Enjoy every minute with your partner, friends and family as things can change in a day and not for the best.  For me I shall rise.

 

81boy-blowing-christmas-tree-candle

 

With the passing of my partner something has died within me and after 9 months that death is still present.  I can’t put my finger on it to give it a label so people can understand what I am feeling.  I have never felt like this before.  It is almost as though part of my soul has died.

 

81

 

I write words, sentences to begin a poem and some of these words, sentences would in the past spin me off into writing two or three poems.  I look at these lines or words today and I have no desire to finish.  I was prolific when writing poetry.  Before you start analyzing me – no I am not depressed or any other psychological attributes you may want to assign to me.  Poetry was my life before and no I don’t have writer’s block…I just pick up my pen and I freeze which I call the dead-zone and put my pen down as fast as I picked it up.  No rhyme or reason to this as there is not many words to string a poem together.  It just is.  I am not afraid to write.  Hopefully something will give soon.

 

81f609568d9fecd984923c535a70b946

 

Good news is I am accumulating lots of material to write with for later.  I still garden which is another one of my necessities of life.  I read, I sketch but it seems writing is not dead, it is just not picking itself up.  I don’t know if this is a part and parcel of what died in me but I feel I can get back to writing.  I am not being hard on myself because of this and I am confident I will begin writing again.  Grief only speaks in its own time and is different with each person and also can be compared to a fingerprint.  Yes there is a lot less grief and this Yuletide Festivities seems to bring out the grief a little more.  There is half of me that is missing and I know it will never fill itself.  If anyone has had a soul mate or a twin flame and lost them you will understand that it is a different kind of grief.  Yes, it will be little difficult getting through this Christmas season but all of this shall pass as well.

 

red christmas wretch next to fir tree and cinnamon sticks

 

My hope for all of you this Christmas Season or however you celebrate or not is to find the utmost joy and happiness and total peace and   <3.  Be well my friends.

 

 

 

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91 responses to “T’was the year (My absence from WordPress)

  1. I am so sorry that you are going through a grieving period. I lost my love of many years three years ago and have passed through all the phases of grief. I believe that we live on as long as we are alive in the memory of the ones who love us. My most positive thoughts go with you, you will come out at the bright end of the tunnel. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I am so sorry for what you went through. It is a fear I have, yet can’t really imagine. To lose my life partener after so many years… It scares me more than I can express in words. I don’t understand poetry and I never really understood what you wrote. But this I can understand far better than I want to . Oh my universe, is there anything I can do at this time. If so let me know. Best wishes and grand hugs. You are a great person for surviving this with such dignity. Hugs

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    • Thank you for your words and kindness. It become reality for me to lose a partner. As I said if you have a soulmate then the grief is more profound. I have had a sister and a friend by my side to get me over the worse of it and they are still there today. The rest will heal in its given time but as I said my soul will not fill the half that is missing. Feeling your hugs

      Liked by 2 people

  3. The loss you feel is quite understandable.
    You are in mourning.
    Only time will dictate how or when you write again. The process cannot be calculated. Just ride the wave.

    The loss of a soulmate is devastating. Dealing with some of that myself. The holidays will be rough. Looking forward to March because that’s when I usually start feeling like myself again. Wish there was a way to skip Christmas and Valentine’s for they usually bring enormous sadness.

    You are not alone. I’m sure many understand. Sending hugs. 🌷

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hello, lovely Joseph. It’s so nice to meet you and see your face. I don’t know the kind of grief of which you speak per se, but I know grief. And it is very much like a death one that at times almost takes your very breath away. Since it is a death, as in your garden in winter, it will take a season for life to spring again and as you say you will write again. So just sort of settle back into this fallow season so that the seeds you need to “sprout” new words will be able to find the right time to germinate and burst forth into the light of day. I loved the photos you used here and am wondering if that is you as a child. If not, it was still a nice touch. I wish you a Merry CHRISTmas too and pray that you continue to rise again from the tragedies that have beset you this last year. Love, hugs, and blessings Natalie 🙂 ❤

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  5. If there is a heart button… i would really heart this post ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ dear friend, I really admire your strength… and I am sorry that you have to go through all this. Death is inevitable… and its part of life. I understand this as this year is also not good for me. From death of pets, losing a job, heartbreaks, family feud, cases at court… woooo i wanna end this year right away and start a new. My dear friend… this post of yours inspired me to be like you… to be strong despite of everything. And joe I am praying for you. Please take care and merry Christmas ❤❤🎄🎄🎄

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  6. Your suffering and the strength of sharing it with us reminds me of how there is an illusion spread by the media that everyone is happy, and if we suffer, somehow that makes us not be a part of the happy and oh so jolly gang, but this is as I said an illusion, “to be born is to suffer” as the Buddha said, and he also said: “Even in the process of birth, both the mother and child suffer.”
    This of course does not in any way diminish suffering, or the pain of going through it, it does however, for me anyway, remind me to be compassionate to others and myself also, because everyone is carrying around a lot of pain.
    Which reminds me of a song that haunts me, especially now at the Christmas season:

    Liked by 2 people

  7. What a year it has been for you, dear Joseph. Always know that we are here for you, whenever and whatever you need. I love your pic! So nice to put a face to a name. Take your time, heal and find the peace you so deserve ❤

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  8. ‘My soul will not fill the half that is missing’- I agree with your words Joseph. This loss or any loss can’t be supplimented. All I can say is we all are there with you in your grief. I can understand your words loss of soulmate or twin flame. This period as you said will enrich you in your spiritual journey. Peace and love to you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Much more love to you, Joseph! ❤ you are one resilient survivor. Many would have been crushed under the weight of only half of this. I, too, am experiencing similar feelings and my loss was through divorce; I chose to end the relationship. So you’ve been on my mind because I know how much you love your partner. May we each find that part of ourselves that we lost ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes I am confident we will find part of ourselves that we have lost. We have no choice but to go forward and depending on your perception of thoughts will heal us faster. Divorces sometimes are not pretty and some are amicable in essence. I wish the best for you and much joy, happiness and peace throughout your journey. You are worth it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you, Joseph! Yes, I finally believing that I’m worth healing. A new bit I’ve been doing is loving the parts of myself that I see in others. It has naturally vastly improved my connections with myself and others. I’m planning a post on it soon. 🙂 the divorce was mostly amicable after a marriage 16 years, so there are things from that time that are coming up to be healed.
        Thank you for your kind and supportive words.
        Much love! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      • You’re welcome Tiffany. You are worth the healing but healing starts from within. Yesterday a switch went off in me and I feel lighter in essence. It doesn’t mean that the grief has stopped and only in time it will lessen but I think depending on the memory that gets pushed then tears will be there to wash the hurt. 16 years is a long time. I was with my partner 24 years. I’m pleased your divorce was mostly amicable. It makes things easier somewhat. You will be healed it is in our birth right. Yes you are an enlightened person to see parts of you in people and loving those parts. Only when we acknowledge do we heal. Be well my friend and may you be wrapped in a blanket of healing. My wish for you.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Joseph, I wish I could say that I feel enlightened:) yes, I’m doing my best to acknowledge as many little bits as I can.
        I’m so glad you hear you have changed your course. Sounds like you’re very much in your way to your birth right 🙂 may you also be wrapped in a warm fuzzy blanket of healing! ❤ much love!

        Liked by 1 person

  10. What a sad year. I even don’t know what to say. So many losses, too many for a man to bear. I just think – what would I wish to those whom I leave behind when it is my turn to join the ocean of Silence. I think my wish will be – have joy. We are here to have joy.

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  11. You have wonderful insight to say ” I believe from all of this there will be a spiritual growing period.” It will. It did for me. I had a very similar experience to you. It is incredibly tough to go through what you’re going through. I wish you continued strength on your journey and will look forward to reading what you write when you are back to it. May 2017 be a much better year! 🙂

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  12. Hello Joseph, you are just as handsome as I imagined you would be. No-one can feel another’s grief or their reaction to it. However you grieve, just let it be. You have endured too much this year and yet you are still communicating. I admire that so much. Much love, your friend Kerry xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are too kind. Your right every grief is individual and the grief is a heck of a lot less. Three days ago something else switched inside of me and I feel less heavy. Christmas was a little difficult but less than what I imagined. Hope you had a nice Christmas. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Just came across your blog this morning.It is a great and wondrous place . Really sorry about the recent losses in your life.May life heal you soon and reward you in every aspect. Best to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. My heart breaks for you again friend. I cannot imagine the feeling that you walk with on a daily basis. Even guessing at it brings a tear to my eyes. I pray for you Joseph…that something inside gives and you emerge with a new perspective. I think you’re right though; you’re going through somewhat of a spiritual reforging. Take good care brother and keep breathing.

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  15. Beautifully expressed what we all either experience or fear… I don’t know what I would do or how I would cope in similar circumstances. It’s summer here in New Zealand, and a little while back the wind snapped off the stem of my favourite dahlia. Somehow it hung on by a thread, and it has just started to flower! Your expression of hope is wonderfully consoling thanks.

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  16. I’m with you my friend. I had my vacation outside the country and been too busy these days. I had been searching some posts in your blog but I didn’t find any. I had presumed that you spent a vacation somewhere to recuperate from the recent grief not until I found you liking my WPC: Ambience… I checked your blog if you had come back writing again and I found this piece which was very touching. Flashes of scenes visited my thought as I read it, returning to my own grief many years ago, the passing of my wife. It took me 3 years to fully recover from it. Time will heal the wound but a scar will definitely be in your heart forever. Thank you for your Like, it awakened me and see and read you on-line again. As you always say, Be well. 🙂

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